By Robert Wood
In the Winter/Spring of 2013, and as a performing arts organization in which you have placed your utmost trust, BAM promises to do the following (aka the BAM 2013 Winter/Spring Season has been announced!):
- Maintain a close watch on mounting civil tensions in Rome, West Africa surrounding Julius Caesar, rumored to have eyes on the throne.
- Establish a moratorium on aging architects seeking to quell libidinal or existential frustrations through their work. Relatedly, recommend that they not fall off of buildings built for such misguided purposes.
- Explore the diplomatic function of rappers in the Middle East and the use of hip-hop as a means of consolidating progressive revolutionary fervor. Additionally, establish diplomatic ties with Cambodia through former princess and choreographer Naradom Buppha Devi.
- Enable the Old Testament to be taught on stages, as long as it is presented via rhetorically brilliant French Baroque opera.
- Allocate funding for a new vehicle that will explore the solar system through the tuneful lens of a doe-eyed indie-music heartthrob and others. Unrelatedly, accelerate research into paranormal activity at Victorian manor houses.
- Pass hate-crime legislation as well as statutes protecting spouses for being punished for their infidelities with their lover’s clothing
- Assure that veteran choreographers returning from tours of duty away from BAM have a performance home when they return, allowing them to carry on with brilliance as they left it.